- G-rated...
Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A. To get to the other slide.Q. Why did chicken cross the ocean?
A. To get to the other tide.Q. Why can't you tell when a pterodactyl is using the bathroom ?
A. Because the "p" is silent.Q: What does each 'Branch' stand for?
NAVY stands for Never Again Volunteer Yourself!
ARMY= Aint Ready to be a Marine Yet
Q: When does an Air Force officer need a hair cut?
A: Never, they get it before its needed!
- Military etiquette...
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
- Communication Breakdown...
The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."
• The Army will put guards around the place.
• The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
• The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.
• The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.
- Fighter Pilots...
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Q: How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One...he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q. How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?
A. He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"
- Time Check...
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The pilot replied, "What difference does it make?"
Animation of soldier firing machine gun
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".
- Speeding...
When caught speeding, a soldier on military leave tried to talk the policewoman out of giving him a ticket. He inquired, "Would it make a difference if I told you that I'm in the Air Force?"
The police officer answered, "Yes, but only if you were driving an airplane."
- The Most Dangerous Things in the Air Force
1. An Airman saying "I learned this in Basic Training..."
2. A Sergeant saying "Trust me, sir..."
3. A 2nd Lieutenant saying "Based on my experience..."
4.A Colonel saying "I was just thinking..."
5.A Chief Master Sergeant saying "Watch this shit..."
- Best branch of the US Armed Forces?
A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly. Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best? Saint Peter replied, I cant answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven. Sometime later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven and asked Saint Peter if he was able to ask God for the answer to their answer.? Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peters shoulder. In the doves beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK
OF THE ALMIGHTY TO: All
Former Soldiers, Sailors,
Airmen, and Marines
SUBJECT: Which Military
Service Is the Best
1. All branches of the
United States Armed Forces
are honorable and noble.
2. Each serves America well
and with distinction.
3. Serving in the United
States military represents a
great honor warranting
special respect, tribute,
and dedication from your
fellow man.
4. Always be proud of that.
Warm Regards,
GOD, USAF, Ret.
- Know the correct terminology...
While stationed in Japan, during the summer of 1955, our Squadron Commander was missing from the orderly room. When asked where he might be, I responded, "He's goofing off". The Major in question was on the outside of the orderly room, and overheard the comment through the open window. He replied, "Sgt, enlisted personnel "Goof Off", Officers "Coordinate activities".
- Know the facts before you speak...
Very important Colonel having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a PFC knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the PFC replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
- Experience Wanted
Shortly after joining the Army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant stepped forward with that day's assignments. He handed several tasks out and then asked, "Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?" A longtime ham radio operator shouted, "I do!" "Good," he said. "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole."
- Football...
At the beginning of the Army-Navy football game, the coin toss in made. The Navy captain shouts, HEADS followed by the Army captain shouting LATRINES.
- Think outside the box...
A Marine instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: Anyone knows the formula for water? Sure. That's easy, said one recruit. What is it? H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O. What, what? re-asked the instructor. H to O, explained the recruit. You are officer material son ! Semper Fi !
- Know proper protocol...
A private just out of training is assigned to guard the main gate. He is ordered to allow no one through unless they have the password. The other experienced soldier is using the latrine when a vehicle with a 3 star flag rolls up. The private stops the vehicle and asks the driver for the password. The driver doesn't know the password, so the private, after saluting the general, asks him the for the password. The general doesn't know it either. The private says, "I cant let you through without the password", to which the general replies, "son, I'm the commander of this base and a 3 star general". The private says, "sir, I still cant pass you." The general tells the driver to drive on through. The private then says to the general, "sir, I'm real new to this so, do I shoot you or the driver."
- Top Ten Signs You Might Not Be Ready To Join The Air Force
10. You're afraid of loud noises, heights, and airplanes (First Lieutenant Maggie Rudolphi)
9. For you, the thrill of flight is the little package of salted nuts (Senior Airman Lesley Toussaint)
8. In high school, you were voted "queasiest" (Tech Sergeant Andrea Knutson)
7. You don't mind flying once you've had a few drinks (Master Sergeant Chuck Kramer)
6. You pass out from G-Forces incurred from riding an escalator (Tech Sergeant Josh Haney)
5. Whenever you see an "eject" lever you impulsively pull it (First Lieutenant Agnes Leam)
4. Show up to the recruiting center carrying a seatbelt extender (Chief Master Sergeant Juan Claudio)
3. Your primary reason for enlisting is "to meet Iron Man" (Lieutenant Colonel Bonnie Bossler)
2. You giggle every time you say, "cockpit" (Master Sergeant Dusty Lee)
1. Out motto, "aim high" -- your motto, "I'm high" (Colonel Marcus Johnson)
David Letterman
Information has been gathered by Cathy Lyons and Denise Daley Cernansky for Air Force MOMS BMT ©